La renaissance de ma vie vraiment

This is my first blog - a first among many others that have popped up in synchronicity for me lately. I understand this time in my life as being a spiritual growth spurt. Six months ago, I harshly repudiated any sort of spirituality - instead circumscribing it all within my understanding of religion as structured and misguiding. I wished I didn't have to occupy a physical body, didn't love myself, was manipulated by ego-driven feelings of anxiety and jealousy, and attempted to relieve these tensions through self-destructive habits of what I would put into my body (and hence mind and soul). This may sound ultra pessimistic - and I did still have certain mindless fun and endeavors in fulfilling creative processes - but I definitely was not centered or aware. 

I can pinpoint my moment of change upon a night when I randomly went to the community park in my hometown just to calm myself. It was around 11 pm at night and this was completely impulsive of me. I wasn't sure what I was looking for or expecting from this little excursion. I decided to lie down on the grass, on a sloping hill in the middle of a circle of Eucalyptus trees, and just breathe. I felt myself to be communicating with one of the trees in particular, and I told the tree how beautiful it was to me. It was sending me exquisite energy, which had me rooted to the earth, but simultaneously lifted towards the sky. I experienced a huge surge of warm ecstatic energy that rushed all through my body, connecting every part of me. I didn't know it then, but that was my first Kundalini awakening. 

Kundalini is the cosmic energy, or prana life force, that is within all of us. It rests in the base of the spine and can be activated by a Shaktipat awakening either consciously by someone else, or unconsciously such as I experienced. I honestly just thought the tree had given me an orgasm. And that was really amazing in and of itself. Without being able to comprehend its significance at that point in my life, I just continued on with my not-so-great habits. However, I nestled that experience in my very core throughout all of it, and just remembering that tree would always give me firm reassurance. 

Things really started happening after that time in mid-June. I happened to go to Electric Daisy Carnival, even though I hadn't really wanted to until randomly deciding upon it the day before. It's the last rave I've been to, and probably the last one I ever will go to. With around 30,000 people, I ended up meeting my boyfriend. And really, I don't go looking for boyfriends in rave crowds. I was instinctually drawn to him in a way more powerful than any drug or lustful feeling could induce. It seems as if odds would work against us - he lives an hour from me in California (I felt so bad about all the carbon emission from my excessive driving :( ), and I go to school 3,000 miles away from him. So it's pretty wonderfully ridiculous that our love has held us together and created this incredible learning and growing experience for both of us. It has shown me first-hand how love is the binding energy that transcends time and space. He is an incredible soul. 

Well after that, I drank and ingested unhealthy substances less and less, until reaching the point today where that consumption has virtually ceased (I do enjoy some wine every now and then). I instinctively became vegetarian in the beginning of July after reading an interview of David Jay Brown's in his Voices from the Edge with John Robbins. It had always hawked my conscience whenever I would cut into a juicy, bleeding mound of cow flesh, that this wasn't right. So I tried out eating veggie for a few days, and it just felt so good!!! I checked out MSIA (Movement of Spiritual Inner Awareness) after having an experience at the beach where it clicked that everyone was One, and really took to the idea of soul transcendence and oneness with God. 

When I came back to the city for school, I began to delve even deeper into spirituality, trying to figure out what resonated best with me. I read Michael Talbot's The Holographic Universe and was really mesmerized by the idea of the whole universe as a hologram, in which the whole is in every part (further emphasizing non-locality). Then I read Eckhart Tolle's The Power of Now, which I really strived to incorporate into every present "now" of my life. It's been working out quite excellently. I began to do yoga at Yoga to the People, in which I learned the power of my breathe as it carries me through every difficult "pose" in life. Meanwhile, though, I was still dealing with a lot of self-doubt about whether or not I was doing the right thing with my life and being in the right (physical) place. 

Then things changed real intensely. My roommate and I were curious to see David Wolfe speak at COSM - I was like: "what are super foods and chocolate shamanism, hmm?" A whole new pulsating vibrating exuberant world unfolded for me that night - I learned about vegan  raw food. After hearing about all the benefits of this lifestyle and experiencing that brilliant energy shining through David Wolfe, we decided to try it out for a week. We constructed a meal plan and spent a wholeee lot of money at Whole Foods. After the first night, I got really strong bread cravings and ate some bread and a quesadilla the next day. But then, the day after that, I started eating more around 85% raw, with some dark milk chocolate and tea and non-raw olive oil every day. Now I've worked my way up to 100% :)

And it feels amazing. It feels like a high that I didn't know I'd always had stored within my cells, just waiting to be released! I began to avidly look for recipes, check out forums and research the lifestyle in general. I read David Wolfe's The Sunfood Diet in one sitting on a plane ride to CA. I began to really understand all the ramifications of this diet beyond just the physical transformation - I readily embraced the whole holographic experience of being a raw vegan. My consciousness and my soul are truly more nourished. I look back on all the crap that I put myself through in the past, but I never want to judge myself for what I did in that time. It's all beautiful and productive because here I am today. And the "I am" of today would not be that if it weren't for the "I am" of all those yesterdays. 

Being raw vegan has expanded my life to the point where it's brimming with ecstasy in every present moment. I feel so whole and so full and I want to give that back out to the world. I'm working on a novel about lucid dreaming and the evolution of consciousness with the notion of how we must co-create our world through the innate power of our imaginations. I have a better grasp on it now, and I really feel that I can birth this piece. I experienced my first Kabbalah shabat, and received shaktipat from Gabriel Cousens. I am now reading his Spiritual Nutrition, and after having my Kundalini awakened a second time, I can make the more comprehensive observation that it was initially awakened that one day in June. I am now meditating every day at sunrise to maintain my Kundalini energy, and it has brought me even further into the present moment of divine love with the oneness of everything. I just started working at a vegan raw food store which specializes in fasts, and I am SO SO SO very excited about that!!!!!! I realize raw food is a great vein through which I can give back to the world and help people achieve their pure and true selves, so I am really enthused about being involved in this live world. I'm highly considering taking courses at the Tree of Life Rejuvenation Center in AZ after graduating. 

Life feels so open to possibilities now, and instead of greedily desiring to have all of them, I'm just making each one that I experience right now the greatest it can be! All self-doubt has been expunged. As long as I am always in my loving, I know that no moment will procure regret.

This is a poem I wrote about a very poignant and revelatory experience I had with my boyfriend that basically encompasses my understanding of love and oneness:

People as Places

We were aligned in the rivet

of a moment that shot saffron

cool-molten sparks between you, me.

The night air hung 'round, all around - 

but the brisk of it not feeling

in my bones, the ones you cradle

beneath the flesh we made warm. 

We're bodies for synergy and

you the tremor in my knowing.

Those fast breaths, those silenced words - 

less palpable than the enclave

of exchange, between the scene you 

lift me to, and my own arched-back

exuding soul.

I am barefoot in your being - 

and the mulch of wonder squeezing

up between my toes, construing

senses out of tones. I forget

how things have a cyclical way,

when still we stand between moon and sun

to fill the untold space with our 

known love.